Everybody knows that #UrsoRight is the Right Bear.
UrsoRight has a family with some interesting quirks, starting with his Aunt.
Aunt Chica, who lives in a town in the countryside of São Paulo state, at the age 90, is married to Uncle Manéco.
Retired, and devoted to her religion, she doesn’t know her nephew, UrsoRight, is a queen.
Exactly, UrsoRight hasn’t felt like coming out of his closet to his uncle and aunt.
- No need to tell them, they are real old people – UrsoRight says, whenever the question pops up.
From time to time we’ll visit them.
UrsoLeft goes as well.
Aunt Chica is a firm believer that UrsoLeft has a fiancée, whom he is getting married to, and is only there with her nephew, UrsoRight, because they are very good friends.SERIOUSLY?
UrsoLeft always has to make up excuses for the absence of his "fiancée".
Aunt Chica will always believe in them and also make such comments like:
- Oh, I get it.Whenever I had my "prairiod" I felt like "thoroughing up", didn’t I Manéco?
- Yep - Uncle Manéco will answer, always monosyllabic.
Such visits tend to be very surreal.
Aunt Chica always pulls out her accordion to show the latest song she wrote, which "will be recorded by Father Zezinho, God willing," says the Auntie.
- Go get my accordion so I can show my nephew my new song Manééééco – Aunt Chica asks, authoritarian, as only she can be.
- Yep - Uncle Manéco answers, getting up to go fetch the instrument.
And when the accordion starts playing, it’s time for the great UrsoLeft to stand up and pretend a terrible cough, going to the bathroom to LHAO at the scene he has just witnessed.
UrsoLeft tries his best, thinking of a dead owl, or a worn and grubby sling, yet he cannot help but LOL.
Believe me, it is always, always, always like this.
It seems like a Dejavú.And every time the laughter becomes more and more uncontrollable.
It’s so mean of UrsoLeft.Poor thing, she just wants attention.And that's why we go there.
All of us always want a little attention.
It helps our existence tolerate all the madness of our tumultuous times.
Aunt Chica should definitely create a Twitter page for herself, even if to do as many do and only talk to herself.
Now we understand social networks.
We are Spiritists. We follow Spiritism coded by Allan Kardec.
It cools us down and teaches us how to live better with ourselves and with the world.
Who is spiritist must have heard many times people saying "Oh, gay men were women in their past lives". Or, "... it is a female soul trapped in a man's body...". COME ON!...
Dammit Spiritists! What about Bears?
It is a spiritist hobby (actually, "self-spiritists", ok?) to explain it all thoroughly. Who reads Kardec knows it doesn't go like that.
We are not women, we don't act like women, we are not effeminate, we don't like dolls, dresses or lipsticks. We are men and we like men.
I make jokes saying that if I liked sissies, I would just make out it with women! (Prejudice Mode: ON)
I believe that sexuality is much more complex than labeling and conditioning the gender with the sexual orientation.
Although it's true that when we see some effeminate guy skipping in the street, listening to Justin Bieber, we just think: That "Queer" was Lady Di in previous lives! But HELLO, "self-spiritists"! Do you even know the meaning of the rainbow flag? The colors mean that within ourselves we are very different. Each color has its palette!
So, "self-spiritist", hit the F5 button (refresh, in a good English) and don't tell me I was a woman in my previous life, unless she was the Queen of Sheba or Marilyn Monroe!
That's another story!
Note: Those who read Allan Kardec know it's not actually like that. What we want to comment about here are the books called "spiritualists" which, in our view, mistakenly address the issue of homosexuality.
We admit we've made the mistake of traveling with a very, very naughty travel company once. ONLY ONCE!
It was an aero package with a Flying Jalopy! Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
Recycled airplanes are a real pain! You already get to your destination with your knee sore from bumping in the front seat.
We have never look for "gay destinations", or any agency offering gay tourism.
It may even sound prejudiced, but we find this Gay-Friendly thing kind of weird.
Does Gay-Friendly Hotel mean there are special rooms for gay people? lol
We don't want small pieces, we want the whole cake.
Gay Friendly Hotel sounds like "Dogs Allowed", doesn't it? lol
We prefer our good ol' Brazil itself, which we love.
The waterfalls and the sweets of Goias, the mountains and cheese breads of Minas Gerais, the beaches and snacks of Bahia, the food and only the food of Rio de Janeiro...
We are Brazilian Bears, but that doesn't mean we like crowded beaches. It has to be a desert place with no one selling hippie trinkets.
Don't get us wrong, we do like those ladies who sell oily snacks stored in a styrofoam box (typical storage device of beach salesmen in Brazil). Especially in the summer heat.
By the way, we really like the summer, we just don't like SALT: neither that of the Beach nor that of Sweat.
It’s common knowledge that Bears are always on diet. We like our Bear-like look, but there are always those extra pounds we want to lose (something around 44 or 48 lbs).
We started gym 1 year ago. We looked for many of them. We tried a fancy one and when we got there, the receptionist looked at us head to toes and "said" telepathically: - Get lost before my fake boobs get angry with your overweight bodies. - Do you believe that?
We ended up going to a gym, here in the neighborhood, whose customers are your people over 70. No prejudice AT ALL, we love the family atmosphere and the cheese bread from the cafeteria inside. Yes, there is a cafeteria that even sells sweets inside the gym, right at the exit.
In a nutshell, after one year: no result. Nothing. And we’re not to blame. The blame is on the so-called “Gym Instructor". Is there anyone out there who really believes the gym instructor wants us slim and svelte? If we happen to be like that, we’ll quit gym and they’ll lose their customer! Do you get how this instructor mob works? They teach us all wrong things. They manipulate the electronic scale. Oh yeah, there are some softwares they install in the scales to show us some pounds fatter each month.
See, # LifeOfTwoBears is like Reality TV.
The day we went to the PetCenter pet shop in São Paulo, on a Sunday at 10PM. We needed to buy dog food… Not for our dog though! It’s just that there is a cafeteria inside that makes food, and we wanted real food and not some delicious chicken drumsticks and pastries. We were on a diet!
Getting there, guess what… a line of cars at the entrance. The biggest jam. #RightBear just put his head out of the car and yelled – Hey you people, go get laid, goddammit! Do you really have to be right here right now?
Once inside, you wouldn’t believe your eyes. There were gay fellas. Hey you, friend over 18, who don’t enjoy a hot party go to PetCenter, there you’ll feel like you’re in the Gay Pride Parade . Once at the PetCenter cafeteria, the waitress immediately said: - Siiiiiiir, we are closing the store – I hated her attitude.
We bought the dog food and went off in search of a restaurant open at 10PM on a Sunday in São Paulo. #LeftBear yelled from the car window: - Heeeeey, Restaurants, we have money, we want to spend it, OPEN, PLEASE! You already know our cruel fate, don’t you? FAST FOOD. Hello Ronald.
And there goes our diet day to burgers, fries and juicy milk shakes.
This "coming out" story sucks.
People always make such a fuss about it, especially gays! Do you believe that?
I often say that my closet is an Ornare with a large MIRROR door in the middle. #WasItClearEnough?
So please don't try to drag me out of it or else I'll have to kick your ass!
I´ll come out to whomever I like and whenever I think I should.
I'm not the kind who'll do it for every Tom, Dick and Harry.
Just let sleeping Bears lie, okay!
I'm out to many people, but my mother always taught me to close the doors whenever I feel I should.
I wonder if @DexLand will wind up having to tattoo a bear paw on my forehead so people will stop trying to drag me out of my MDF-Closed baby?
The other day I went out to buy a perfume for RightBear and the nosy saleswoman asked me - "Is it for you, sir?" - So I said - "No, it's for my boyfriend". - Yikes!
That's how I like to brake it: right out of the blue, for people I don't know and uncalled-for !
Now let me go call the carpenter to fix the hinges and replace the handle.
Thank you for authorization Ruben!. Illustration Bear Argentine: Ruben Gauna
We are two men living our lives like any straight couple. #IMean
We’re not even actually that gay (in the original meaning of the word, “glad”).
We are sort of rude, cranky and a little depressed.
But we’re not like out buddy @PatadaDoUrso, though, because we keep our anxiolytic right there on the kitchen shelf.
We have three children. Two with feathers and one with paws.
We don’t really care much what people think of us, but you’ll get to know here much of what we think of them.
After all, in our world, we feel "So Normal", sometimes like and sometimes unlike that couple on the Brazilian TV show which actually has that name.
We made our way on reverse: We started on Twitter and then decided to create this Blog.
So don’t expect long texts. Do expect something like: conciseness meets complexity.
Yes, there are many kept stories and feelings that we want to demystify and share with you all.
This is how we introduce ourselves: We are #RightBear and #LeftBear. We’ll have similar and different opinions and each one will sign his own one.
You are invited to be part of our microcosm, interacting, if you like.
Bear hugs, Woof! Follow Us: @LifeOfTwoBears